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i'm not a perfect person, but i have simple heart and simple love for you.. i always do something wrong becoz i'm juz a simple human !!!

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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

s.o.n.g.k.e.t b.u.r.u.k

Hari lahirnya Jumaat lalu, lipan menyengat telunjuk kirinya...
Dan dalam matanya yang letih berpusar, asap dan debu..Dunianya amat sedu..
Sesekali angin berang merentap baju, di tengkuknya terserlah pulau panau...
Derita kembali menderu...

Katanya: Derita itu aku...
Dirinya cemas diterjah usia, dalam kabus belasungkawa,
dia tergigau hampir seminggu; diancam lipan, angin dan debu yang sama...
Desa bahagia, derita...

Katanya: Derita itu aku...
Antara jamban dan dapur, di sisi parit tohor, hari mukanya sabut, tin dan lumpur..
Kalut mega direnungi; kenyit, kilat tak berbunyi.
Memang telinga kirinya kini tuli.

Cinta dan sejarah,
mencakar langsir dan mencekau pintunya, menyembur bara mantera;
“Aku teringat pandang pertama...”
Untuk apa? Hingga bila?
Dia yakin di situ segala tersumpah sebagai batu; menjadi lebih pasti,
sesekali disentap semboyan kereta api...

Dalam dakapan cubit tak sakit, dia tertipu berkali-kali,
dia setinggan muda berganda tercemar di belakang kereta...
Tapi, mimpi akhirnya pangsapuri, taman-mini-kolam-mandi, geli hatinya sepagi,
kerana dirinya bas mini, mendesah ke Dayabumi, bersaing rezeki...
Dan sejak itu, hikayatnya gunung ngeri, kehidupannya puisi elegi...
Lalu, di larik bibir, gincu tak seri; di bawah kenanga bau tak wangi;
di sisi lampu, bayang tak jadi...
Dia diejek usia, diserapah cinta berjuta kali dia terbelah...

Disedari dirinya dijerat rindu,
Dia belajar bahagia di sisi lilin dan kucing yang lara...
Dia terbiasa -dalam cahaya malamnya siang, dalam gelita siangnya malam...
Sejak itu bergilir tetangga mengadapnya – sedu dalam ayat syahdu...
Dan ketika racaunya sampai ke puncak, tujuh kali dia tersentak.
Darah, najis dan muntah saling mengasak.
Dalam biliknya berdinding akhbar, tingkap berkiut, lantai berlumut dia mengucap semput.
Tercungap. Tersentap. Terhenti.
Matinya di sisi sisa nasi, rehal retak, dan songket pengantin...
Tak mungkin jantan menipunya lagi!

Monday, June 28, 2010

no words...

私が行ってはならない、その
(Watashi ga okonatte wa nara nai, sono)
私は知っているふりをしてください
(Watashi wa shitte iru furi o shite kudasai)
私はそれを見ていないように、私はそれを見ることができないように
(Watashi wa sore o mite i nai yō ni, watashi wa sore o miru koto ga deki nai yō ni)
私はあなたの最初の場所で見てはならない
(Watashi wa anata no saisho no basho de mite wa nara nai)
私が逃げる必要があります
(Watashi ga nigeru hitsuyō ga ari masu)

Fake smile....hurt eyeS...

The sun is shining high in the sky..
Children playing in the park...
BBQs roasting a family meal...
Smiles, Laughter..
People drinking, eating, all the while chatting, laughing...
I wish for clouds..
I wish for rain..
I wish to be alone..
I wish to frown and cry..
I wish for no food to enter my lips..
The drink handed to me tastes sweet, bitter.
Every swollow making my throat gag.
Every mouth full of food making me feel sick.
Every smile making my chest ache.
The sound of laughter making my heart burn.
The close, intimate party continues around me.
People get louder, more confident in their company.
I dont think I can breathe.
In, out, in, out. It hurts.
But yet nobody can see.
While they smile, laugh, eat, drink, dance, sing, live.
I sit there.
The same small smile resting on my lips. Fake.
This smile is Fake...
If people only stopped to look.
To see. They would notice.
Worry would cloud their eyes.
Questions would burn their tongues.
But They dont see. They look. But do not see.
If they seen, they would see past my 'smile'.
They would look into my eyes.
See the truth.See the pain, hurt, guilt, shame, despair, blame, worry, life.
But. They do not see.
People do not look in my eyes.
Maybe its becasue my 'smile' fools them. Or maybe.
Its becasue they know.
They know what my eyes are trying to tell them.
Tell anyone.They know. But they just dont care...